Canadian girl out and aboot

While waiting for the 99 bus today, I happened to notice a very familiar looking and stunning Native woman. I thought, "That looks a lot like Eden Robinson . I stood behind her and noticed that a small tag on her bag was actually labelled with her name. She is gorgeous. She has lush black hair, nice skin and wonderfully huge eyes. She had two big red bags and was wearing a flowered skirt. I stood near her on the bus, but couldn't think of anything to say as it was very early in the morning. What was stranger, was that I had her newest book "Blood sports" in my bag. I thought about telling her this, but decided that it sounded too much like, "My cat's breath smells like cat food." So instead, I said nothing to her, even though she got off at the same stop. I wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything good and then had to run and catch my connecting bus.

(I started the book when I got to work. The second chapter is set in Grandview Park on Commercial Drive. The characters go to Turks and then to the park. She describes it perfectly. It's a different experience for me to read something set so close to where I live.)

This week, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world because I e-mailed Thomas King , and Lawrence Hill for research purposes and they both wrote back to me. I love Thomas King and was so excited about his e-mail that I bounced on B*'s bed with excitement and jostled him while he was still waking up.
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The Colouring Book launch was a great success. We packed the joint, and had to turn people away. There was a huge line in front of the club of people waiting to get in, which was awesome. I read some of my own poems and a poem by Marie Annharte Baker called "raced out to write this up". I was quite nervous about reading that one because I've never read a piece by someone else and I wanted to do it justice. It was a long and fast piece, and I managed to rock the mike. Everyone gave performances from the heart, which was cool. If I had one complaint, I would say that we should have cut our show down a little length wise. However, the books look amazing, and Gabe and the book designer gave us prints of the cover as thank you presents. I think I might get mine framed.

We're planning a launch in Victoria in March. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go yet.

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Still feeling a bit tired from the weird sinus thing. I burnt myself out after the launch and ended up spending Sunday on my couch. Fortunately, some wise soul had decided to program a "What not to wear marathon" for all the non-Superbowl watchers. Bliss.

I think I did well on my midterm, despite the fact that I was ill while writing it. After I wrote it, I went back home and collasped on the couch in front of the tv. At about 7, B* came by to pick me up and we commuted to Lick, where we were the first people to arrive for the fundraiser. Eventually everyone else showed up, and the place was packed! I got to see a lot of my Colouring Book friends, and got lots of hugs. I wasn't feeling super social, so I mainly sat in the corner with B*, but I still felt a lot of love. I also got a great massage from my friend Hui Ling, which was direly needed as my body ached from being sick.

I was actually the first performer, and I read two of my poems. It was one of the best crowds I've ever read to, probably because it consisted of a lot of friends who cheered and hugged me when I got off stage. The performances were great, the crowd was fun, and I think we made some good money and everyone had a good time. I didn't stay for the dance portion of the evening. Instead, I hurried home and went back to bed.

The past few years, I've thinking a lot about the concept of "shift", as I've been reading other journals and talking with friends, and acquaintances. I believe that sexuality is fluid, and that everyone has a bit of a bisexual, or pansexual nature. I'm starting to understand that gender can be the same for some people. While I'm very stuck in my identification as a woman, and have accepted that I am for the most part, a heterosexual, I have realized that I do have a feeling of "shifting ethnicity."

I am not fully comfortable identifying as a white person. While to some people, I look "white", to call myself, "white", is to deny a huge part of who I am, and my background. I would be denying my mother's father, my Chinese middle name, and my Chinese heritage. I would be denying all the times people ask me "What are you" or speak to me in other languages.

Yet I am not fully comfortable identifying as "Chinese" or "Asian." I am not fully Asian. I do not have Chinese features, nor have I been subjected to some of the stereotypes that my fully Asian friends or relatives have. Sometimes I have even questioned whether I am, "Asian enough" to work at an Asian Canadian magazine. This is not something that I feel from my other staff members, it is something that I have thought about myself. However, I have realized that having me on staff, because of my skills and background, has added another dimension. I am happy to talk about my experiences and issues as a person of mixed parentage.

During the weekend at "The Colouring Book", I also wondered if I was too "white" to be attending the retreat. There were other people of mixed heritage there, but I was the only one who was a quarter, and not "half." Again, this was something that I wondered myself, not because of any feelings or comments from anyone else. I only got involved with the project because it was advertised as for "people of colour" and "mixed people." The main organizer, my friend Gabe, has a black father and a white mother and is very interested in mixed heritage stories, which made me feel welcome. However, I realized that the term "people of colour" makes me uncomfortable, partly because I don't identify with it, and partly because I'm worried that someone else will accuse me of not being "ethnic" enough.

In terms of ethnicity, I have felt like "the ethnic person" in the room, when I am in a room of blond, blue eyed people of Caucasian heritage.I have also felt like "the white person" in the room when I am in a room full of my Chinese friends. In some regards, I feel an instant connection to other mixed race people, because they know what this weird space is like.

It was so interesting to be able to speak about this with Fred Wah. He said that travelling in some parts of the world, his eyes are instantly recognized as "Asian eyes." Then there is always the question of his name, the long drawn out, distinctively Chinese sounding name.

I'm not saying that I'm tortured, or that I want answers. It's just something that I think about.

Today was my first full day off in 7 days. I celebrated by staying in my pyjamas and watching 2.5 hours of Season 2 Degrassi. Then I ate a lot of Cheezies.

Tomorrow I'm going on a retreat with "The Colouring Book project." The Colouring Book is a group of mixed race and people of colour in their 20s and 30s etc who are coming together to make a book about our experiences. The book will be used to as a teaching tool for youth of colour in high schools. The initial organizer of the project, Gabrielle Martin, works with SAFETEEN, a group that teaches anti-racism, anti-sexism and anti-homophobia in schools.

I learned about the project through Ricepaper, and got onboard. It has introduced me to a wonderful group of artistic, activist, like minded people.

Our weekend retreat is going to be held at Chehalis, a reserve located about 2 hours away from Vancouver. We will be staying in cabins with showers and will have a large room for all our activities. We are operating as a collective, so groups of people will be running workshops on topics such as "Race and Class", "Body and Sexuality" and "Oral Story telling." We are also going to have a no-talent show,and a dance party. The weekend should involve a lot of writing.

As you can probably guess, I'm looking forward to it, even though I have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow to be out at the space by 8:00. Most of the group left today, but several of us are going up tomorrow. I had planned to stay in town and work today, but through a series of events, I only have to attend a meeting for volunteering at the film festival this evening.