Shifting ethnicity

[blue_lotus13]

The past few years, I've thinking a lot about the concept of "shift", as I've been reading other journals and talking with friends, and acquaintances. I believe that sexuality is fluid, and that everyone has a bit of a bisexual, or pansexual nature. I'm starting to understand that gender can be the same for some people. While I'm very stuck in my identification as a woman, and have accepted that I am for the most part, a heterosexual, I have realized that I do have a feeling of "shifting ethnicity."

I am not fully comfortable identifying as a white person. While to some people, I look "white", to call myself, "white", is to deny a huge part of who I am, and my background. I would be denying my mother's father, my Chinese middle name, and my Chinese heritage. I would be denying all the times people ask me "What are you" or speak to me in other languages.

Yet I am not fully comfortable identifying as "Chinese" or "Asian." I am not fully Asian. I do not have Chinese features, nor have I been subjected to some of the stereotypes that my fully Asian friends or relatives have. Sometimes I have even questioned whether I am, "Asian enough" to work at an Asian Canadian magazine. This is not something that I feel from my other staff members, it is something that I have thought about myself. However, I have realized that having me on staff, because of my skills and background, has added another dimension. I am happy to talk about my experiences and issues as a person of mixed parentage.

During the weekend at "The Colouring Book", I also wondered if I was too "white" to be attending the retreat. There were other people of mixed heritage there, but I was the only one who was a quarter, and not "half." Again, this was something that I wondered myself, not because of any feelings or comments from anyone else. I only got involved with the project because it was advertised as for "people of colour" and "mixed people." The main organizer, my friend Gabe, has a black father and a white mother and is very interested in mixed heritage stories, which made me feel welcome. However, I realized that the term "people of colour" makes me uncomfortable, partly because I don't identify with it, and partly because I'm worried that someone else will accuse me of not being "ethnic" enough.

In terms of ethnicity, I have felt like "the ethnic person" in the room, when I am in a room of blond, blue eyed people of Caucasian heritage.I have also felt like "the white person" in the room when I am in a room full of my Chinese friends. In some regards, I feel an instant connection to other mixed race people, because they know what this weird space is like.

It was so interesting to be able to speak about this with Fred Wah. He said that travelling in some parts of the world, his eyes are instantly recognized as "Asian eyes." Then there is always the question of his name, the long drawn out, distinctively Chinese sounding name.

I'm not saying that I'm tortured, or that I want answers. It's just something that I think about.

Comments

[kelly-yoyo.livejournal.com]

Issues of identity are always good to think about. I think life can only be enriched by exploration of self and self-perception.

[sadie6.livejournal.com]

I am fascinated by this. I am very caucasian, back about as far as it goes and I have never had to deal with race issues on a personal level, so I find it really interesting and I appreciate that you are willing to share your thoughts and experiences.

[angharad.livejournal.com]

Ditto.

[graphxgrrl.livejournal.com]

It's interesting to hear your thoughts on this, I'm glad you're sharing.

From an American perspective I have a lot of time figuring out my cultural identity--as having a seperate cultural identity if you're white is almost regarded as... silly?

I'm so caucasian I'm practically reflective--and because history is important to me I've done a lot of research into my European roots and identify culturally somewhat with those roots. However, when expressing that to friends who are Scottish or British they reflect the prevailing attitude here and actually find it terribly amusing that I'm trying to establish some kind of cultural identity along those lines.

you really should

[monkeypudding.livejournal.com]

Come to the Asian Canadian reading portion of the CFSW and read on the open mic. These are exactly the kinds of things that need to be talked about, whether in a poem, a short story or just relating your experience. I think it happens Thursday afternoon at the downtown campus of VCC. But check out www.cfsw.net to be certain.

And bring your friends. The features and host are excellent too. (It sounds like you should meet Jen Lam)

[elfin-chick.livejournal.com]

"What are you" is such a common question, but very often so difficult to answer! I guess it's a culturally accepted way of broaching the topic, "who are you?" It seems that there are never any complete answers to either of these questions, but the questions themselves are interesting and important.

[resurgam.livejournal.com]

xtian has a shifting ethnicity too (i've never heard that phrase before!). in san francisco, he's white. in ohio he was called everything you can think of for being 1/4 chinese and 1/4 native american and i'm not sure about the other 1/2, but it's mixed. back in ohio he was definitely the other - so much so that he was able to qualify for minority scholarships to go to state college.

[applehangover.livejournal.com]

Resurgam, thanks for sharing that! Growing up in CA, I wasn't really aware of the other perspective. When I was getting ready to graduate from college I got invited to some Retention Services banquet because apparently I was a graduate of Educational Opportunity Program/ Student Affirmative Action. What?!? That was the first time any of that was ever mentioned to me! I got a certificate and everything. Huh, that was weird. I guess I mean to say I've never experienced any real advantages or disdvantages, but maybe that's because N. California/the Bay Area is such a melting pot and I've never been singled out before. Ok, I take that back. I sometimes get singled out by people who don't like white people, but that's another issue entirely!

In college there was a very nice boy who liked me, he was full blooded, mostly Maidu I think. I'm pretty sure the main reason he picked me is because he and his family wanted him to find a nice Indian girl to settle down with and bring back home. We didn't really have anything in common though, which is what I look for in a partner! It was weird to think that someone picked me because of my ethnic heritage, or rather what he thought I was and what I should be. It made me sad and uncomfortable. He was very traditional, and as you know I am not! He would have been unhappy with me if that's the only reason he picked me. It was a little creepy.

[sarcasm-queen.livejournal.com]

I always find it interesting to read your posts about this issue. As you may know, Kana comes from a very diverse ethnic background. His mom's side is Korean, Chinese and Hawaiian, and his dad's side is white/Caucasian with a bit of Hawaiian.

But, for him (at least as far as I know), this is no big deal. Partly I think just because that is his personality, but I think it is mostly due to growing up in Hawaii. There is such a diversity of cultures that I don't think it is really a big deal for most people who grow up there. So many people are of mixed race that it is no big deal.

Also, (I think due a lot to the fact that everyone is a minority) people aren't very sensitive to being asked things like "what are you?," in fact, it is a very common question. Ethnic jokes run rampant there, but as long as you are offending everyone equally it is okay (somehow it is like how in mainstream US culture the only people it is "okay" to make jokes about are WASPy men). There is a great local comedian (Frank De Lima) who does a routine/song where he gives advice (it's a spoof on that song from a few years back that was like a graduation speech), one of the lines is "It's okay to laugh at ethnic jokes. After all, you are ethnic."