Shifting ethnicity
Oct. 10th, 2005 09:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blue_lotus13The past few years, I've thinking a lot about the concept of "shift", as I've been reading other journals and talking with friends, and acquaintances. I believe that sexuality is fluid, and that everyone has a bit of a bisexual, or pansexual nature. I'm starting to understand that gender can be the same for some people. While I'm very stuck in my identification as a woman, and have accepted that I am for the most part, a heterosexual, I have realized that I do have a feeling of "shifting ethnicity."
I am not fully comfortable identifying as a white person. While to some people, I look "white", to call myself, "white", is to deny a huge part of who I am, and my background. I would be denying my mother's father, my Chinese middle name, and my Chinese heritage. I would be denying all the times people ask me "What are you" or speak to me in other languages.
Yet I am not fully comfortable identifying as "Chinese" or "Asian." I am not fully Asian. I do not have Chinese features, nor have I been subjected to some of the stereotypes that my fully Asian friends or relatives have. Sometimes I have even questioned whether I am, "Asian enough" to work at an Asian Canadian magazine. This is not something that I feel from my other staff members, it is something that I have thought about myself. However, I have realized that having me on staff, because of my skills and background, has added another dimension. I am happy to talk about my experiences and issues as a person of mixed parentage.
During the weekend at "The Colouring Book", I also wondered if I was too "white" to be attending the retreat. There were other people of mixed heritage there, but I was the only one who was a quarter, and not "half." Again, this was something that I wondered myself, not because of any feelings or comments from anyone else. I only got involved with the project because it was advertised as for "people of colour" and "mixed people." The main organizer, my friend Gabe, has a black father and a white mother and is very interested in mixed heritage stories, which made me feel welcome. However, I realized that the term "people of colour" makes me uncomfortable, partly because I don't identify with it, and partly because I'm worried that someone else will accuse me of not being "ethnic" enough.
In terms of ethnicity, I have felt like "the ethnic person" in the room, when I am in a room of blond, blue eyed people of Caucasian heritage.I have also felt like "the white person" in the room when I am in a room full of my Chinese friends. In some regards, I feel an instant connection to other mixed race people, because they know what this weird space is like.
It was so interesting to be able to speak about this with Fred Wah. He said that travelling in some parts of the world, his eyes are instantly recognized as "Asian eyes." Then there is always the question of his name, the long drawn out, distinctively Chinese sounding name.
I'm not saying that I'm tortured, or that I want answers. It's just something that I think about.
I am not fully comfortable identifying as a white person. While to some people, I look "white", to call myself, "white", is to deny a huge part of who I am, and my background. I would be denying my mother's father, my Chinese middle name, and my Chinese heritage. I would be denying all the times people ask me "What are you" or speak to me in other languages.
Yet I am not fully comfortable identifying as "Chinese" or "Asian." I am not fully Asian. I do not have Chinese features, nor have I been subjected to some of the stereotypes that my fully Asian friends or relatives have. Sometimes I have even questioned whether I am, "Asian enough" to work at an Asian Canadian magazine. This is not something that I feel from my other staff members, it is something that I have thought about myself. However, I have realized that having me on staff, because of my skills and background, has added another dimension. I am happy to talk about my experiences and issues as a person of mixed parentage.
During the weekend at "The Colouring Book", I also wondered if I was too "white" to be attending the retreat. There were other people of mixed heritage there, but I was the only one who was a quarter, and not "half." Again, this was something that I wondered myself, not because of any feelings or comments from anyone else. I only got involved with the project because it was advertised as for "people of colour" and "mixed people." The main organizer, my friend Gabe, has a black father and a white mother and is very interested in mixed heritage stories, which made me feel welcome. However, I realized that the term "people of colour" makes me uncomfortable, partly because I don't identify with it, and partly because I'm worried that someone else will accuse me of not being "ethnic" enough.
In terms of ethnicity, I have felt like "the ethnic person" in the room, when I am in a room of blond, blue eyed people of Caucasian heritage.I have also felt like "the white person" in the room when I am in a room full of my Chinese friends. In some regards, I feel an instant connection to other mixed race people, because they know what this weird space is like.
It was so interesting to be able to speak about this with Fred Wah. He said that travelling in some parts of the world, his eyes are instantly recognized as "Asian eyes." Then there is always the question of his name, the long drawn out, distinctively Chinese sounding name.
I'm not saying that I'm tortured, or that I want answers. It's just something that I think about.
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Date: 2005-10-10 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-11 04:17 am (UTC)In college there was a very nice boy who liked me, he was full blooded, mostly Maidu I think. I'm pretty sure the main reason he picked me is because he and his family wanted him to find a nice Indian girl to settle down with and bring back home. We didn't really have anything in common though, which is what I look for in a partner! It was weird to think that someone picked me because of my ethnic heritage, or rather what he thought I was and what I should be. It made me sad and uncomfortable. He was very traditional, and as you know I am not! He would have been unhappy with me if that's the only reason he picked me. It was a little creepy.